Soliloquy

Wasted, praning, may toyo. That’s me today. Nagbabalak na nga ako mag-“MC” kanina, pero nakontra ko pa din si “katam”. Marami akong iniisip.. (well kelan ba hindi?) Ang bottom line lang ng lahat… I needed a break.

Oo, paulit-ulit na lang ako, mga ilang beses ko na ba naisulat ang sentimiento ko expressing my exhaustion. Yung mga pagkakataon na, wala ka ng ibang ma-feel kundi pagkasuya? or pagkadismaya? Kung sana madali na lang mag-quit, at i-give up lahat, kaso di naman ako quitter, tsaka bago sana yun, gusto ko sumabog, one time big time blow, ibuhos na lahat lahat lahat… pero after that, yun na ba kaya ang katapusan? Ewan!

Minsan di ko mapigilang mag maldita, mabait naman ako, pero di ako santo, kung meron man nagpapatino sa akin, yun yung “konsensya” at hiya sa Diyos, kasi kahit pa nga wariwat at wala ako madalas sa wisyo, alam ko naman, never nya akong pinabayaan at sobrang blessed pa din ako.

Nagsimula kasi ang ang pagmamarakulyo ko nung Araw ng “Nguso”. booo! oo na bitter ako? so? but i never and will never use my bitterness to hurt anyone. Lulunukin ko na lang ang pait.. sheet ang drama.  Para naman may bago naman kasi noh? magtatatlong dekada na akong ganito,dapat naman masanay na ako siguro???

Five days ago,we found out that our hausmate passed away. Imagine, He left for vacation on Chinese New Year, not knowing that he wont be back. He succumbed to colon cancer, stage 4 agad when he was hospitalized, wala pang two weeks after detection, nag goodbye na sya. Super sad… Intensified tuloy ang kapraningan ko with the pain i’m having on my upper right abdomen. Although nung umuwi ako last January, nagpa-ultrasound ako at clear naman ang results,  pero masisi nyo ba ako sa kapraningan ko?

Kaya naman ngayon, parang naghuhulas lahat ng sebo sa mukha ko, pati mood ko, ang greasy! Idagdag pa ang araw araw na kunsimisyon sa mga Ngo-ngo. Talaga naman…

Pwede ba akong mag-apply na “BUM”??? Sige na, two months lang? Gusto ko naman ng bago… dati na nga akong lukring, pero lalo pa ata akong mapapraning… OA na ako sa drama anthologies…  Gusto ko lang ng outlet, kaya nga ako nagsusulat ng ganito. Kung season lang ‘to na lumilipas, aba’y bilisan mo na, rumatsada ka na ng daan ng matapos na at maiba naman. Kapoy na!

Alam ko, hanggang reklamo at ngawa lang ako dito, patuloy pa din ako mag re-respond whenever there’s a need to respond, obligation ba yun? hindi, pero yun ang nagbibigay ng saysay at silbi sa buhay, o di ba baliw lang ako talaga?!

Sa susunod ulit na monologue.

If Only Life ls A Number

Well I’m not a Math wizard and have not even majored on that subject. There have been a lot of formulas and equations that can be used to solve a mathematical problem that I find it more precise.

Just when you name a number 1 or 2 and so forth, it’s definite. Perhaps it’s more logical to think of something quantitative and visual, which explains the idea of substituting x, y and z with numerical variants to solve an equation.

What’s my point? I am guilty about overanalyzing, be it the subject or the predicate entwined. I always have the itch of understanding “why”, without really asking “why” and that I tend to debate with myself on the grounds of asking and understanding those “why’s”.

I guess that’s just how my mind works. I feel that there’s always a root for every single bud or trunk, and it’s always worth knowing… just for my satisfaction, to know and to better understand whatever that is.

Lately, I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo… Of course, I always say that I have no control over things other than myself, whatever my senses dictates, was brought by my own instinct, with partial or full consent, the bottom line is… I only got myself to blame. Can I say self-inflicted agony?

If only there were numbers to represent every single detail of our lives, then it would probably lessen the tendency for people to be lead into assumptions. As the feelings and perceptions varies… unlike in the basics of Math, why can’t it be, that problems be simplified into summation, difference, multiplication and division answered with infinite numbers, narrowed down to an absolute value. Then, problem solved.

Saturation Point?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” — Neil Gaiman

Honestly? I just wish numbness fills up the entirety of my being… to feel nothing, breakdown all my senses… maybe… that will be the end of all these…

My Heart Goes to the Old Man

The first time I stepped my feet in Singapore, 4 years ago, I have to get myself accustomed to their norm.  This country wouldn’t be named as a “fine” city for nothing, but that’s not what I am meaning to expound on.  Anyway, I am impressed how the old ones are very active here, on how much they are involve in different community activities, some HDB flats have their senior citizen lounging area, which is perfect for their “siestas. What breaks my heart though is that, even at their very weakly and crumpled skin forms, you can see most of them working in restaurants, hawker centers, food chains and the likes, tidying up and attending to all the messy chores.

My maternal grandparents passed away when I was 6, my paternal grandfather on the other hand died even before I was born and they were staying oceans away from us. I remember how my Tatay Sulping (grandpa) shares his own folk tales while we’re all resting in his bamboo bed and my Nanay Nene (grandma)  being the fuzzy/OC that she was, shares her ideologies on how it’s like to be a well behave kid. I sometimes wonder how life would’ve been if they are still around… and I can’t imagine them doing the job that the old ones here nor I would allow  them to experience such.

Yesterday, on my way to church, I saw an ambulance stationed at the bus stop. I saw blood stains on the steps of the foot bridge. Downstairs, I saw an old man, getting a first aid treatment (by the way it looks) but I only a got a fleeting look and didn’t really understand what happened.

When I got home, my housemate/friend told me that she saw an old man fell from the stairs and how the man looked badly hurt, realizing that we were talking about the same old man. I felt sad… I can’t help but ask and wonder where is his family? Do they look after him? Or will they be taking care of him? Wouldn’t it be nice to be taken care by your family? The same question lingers for the other oldies who are also working here.  

I am thankful and proud that I am a Filipino, more because of the values injected in me about families… I don’t know what kind of heart will leave their oldies behind… as if anyone is exempted from growing old… I hope and pray that Mr. Old man will be well.

Excuse Me on Valentines Day

It’s officially the “love” month and I am  feeling sentimental towards the day of hearts. I could name a hundred of reasons to feel envious thinking about those silly couple dome moments.

Few years back, when everyone’s clamoring about the Love-a-palooza, my thought bubble says: “who cares?” When you got no one to go out with and be thrilled to kiss in front of the rest of those cheesy lovebirds.

How many years have pass, and I feel like I’m getting used to it? Or am I? Of course I’ve tried to console myself in several occasions, by giving myself a rule of not working/not going out on Valentine’s Day. Who am I fooling anyway? When  I know deep down I would’ve wanted to be out in the crowd and get bitten by ants (too much sweetness I mean) If only I can call myself a “couple” even if I’m single.

Maybe I’m just tired… maybe, it’s just the thing of this season… maybe, I’m PMSing, maybe I’ve ran out of reasons to cheer myself up… maybe I’m getting older and most of my other friends who used to share the same sentiments with me, have already changed their status or perhaps they have already exclaimed all the rants they could get and I’m now the last woman standing… alone…

Yeah, I have the best family in the world and no doubt they love me unconditionally, I have a huge crowd of lovely, compassionate and supportive friends, but reality is… they aren’t exclusive.

Celebrations such as Valentine’s Day make me feel sick. It’s not like I’m asking for a posh date or anything fancy, but all I really wanted was to be able to spend it not just with any one, but someone who’s really dear to me. My constant and at times, tiresome wishful thinking…. But can you blame me? 

If only I have an access to speed up a day into minutes, Valentine’s Day will surely be one of it, until the day, when my hands won’t feel cold because I already got someone to hold. (*emote*)