Dear 2010

Saan nga ba ako magsisimula?

Ang bilis mong dumaan… parang kailan lang… ganun na lang ba yun? Saan-saan mo ba ako dinala? Sino-sino nga ba ang iyong mga pinakilala?

Tila limitado ata ng pasyal ko kasama ka, isang beses mo lang kasi ako pinauwi ng Pilipinas, pero kahit pa nga, yun naman ang pinaka mahabang bakasyon na naranasan ko simula nung mapadpad ako ng ibang bayan.

Ang dami mong pinakilala sa aking tao ngayon at may iilan din na hindi ko nakasama. May mga ilang beses mo rin ako sinubukan pasukuin, mga pagkakataong pinaiyak, pinang hinaan ng loob, natakot at nadismaya? Dahil din sa kung ano man yung mga yun, naimulat mo ako na mas tibayan ang kapit sa kung ano ang meron ako, na kahit may hirap, tuloy lang ang buhay, kahit may mga masakit, di naman nangangahulugan na dun na natatapos ang lahat… bahagi lang pala yun ng mga dapat kong pagdaanan at matutunan.

You deserve a good remark before you finish your round, but more than anything else, THANK YOU… you’ve been kind. I feel like you have prepared me for greater things to come… that I must not overwhelm myself too much and to always keep myself grounded. You have open doors to many realizations, deepen my understanding, further extend my patience, embrace change and welcome each day with a surprise.

In each difficulties I may have to face in 2011, you will be remembered… for I know, you have strengthened me and geared me to face every adversities with hope, faith and love… Your teachings will be encrypted in me.

Just Today

I’m still bothered by some work related issues, although I already got some pinch of hope when I spoke to my manager yesterday, but it’s all uncertain yet, until I got the new contract signed.

I must admit that it has spoiled most of my plans already, but nevertheless, I am keeping myself steady, however frustrating my current state is. I know shouldn’t be dwelling on what could have been a “minor” mishap.

I have always been melancholic whenever christmas season arrives. December of 2005 was the last time I celebrated christmas back home and I just miss my family the most.

Funny how my heart is closely attached, and yet it longs too deep, that only my thoughts could reach. Sometimes, I wonder how much longer I can stay being so far away…

Someday… someday… it will all happen one day.

Keeping Up

Here goes another storm of asking “why?”

I’m bad dealing with disappointments, who does good with it anyway? And I’m in one of those phase right now.

For sure there are more heartbreaking stories out there, and I do not intend to sound insensitive about it.

It’s not like I wanted to take my disappointments against anyone, but I just can’t help to ask “why?” As if, I will be given any coherent or satisfying answer however forceful I asked.

I know, this too shall pass… but can I just take some time to be vulnerable? Even for awhile… After all, I’m just a regular human being, who’s also susceptible to different outrage and unsteady emotions.

I wanted to keep myself reminded that things will be better, like it always does…

May tomorrow be a new spring of hope… something to look forward to, far and beyond…

Wala Lang Makausap

It’s my 1 hour break from work, just had a sweet and sour fish fillet meal. My first food for the day. Everyone seems to notice that I’m starting gaining weight again, not that I’m vain or overly conscious, but I’m just thinking of the weddings I’ll be attending next year. I just want to skip the impression of being part of the pricipal sponsors. Oh well… Wala naman ako magagawa masyado kung sadyang manas ako.

Ang dami ko kasi thoughts na di ko naisusulat… I miss doing my monologues.

Grabe! I can’t believe that we’re on the last month of the year already… That was swift! Nakakainip minsan, but it was extemely quick.

December, is like the month of festivities, daming event, and yes, many of which will involve “dinero”. Di naman ako fascinated sa money, but I do wish to have more so I can provide and give more. A part of of me is sad, kasi I can’t make my gift list or shopping list. Ang kabuhayan showcase na pwede sana pang-allocate ko, wala pang balita. Even my plans of coming home is still gray.

Ang weird kasi since I got here, Christmas is never the same. Kasi naman ano ba ang essence ng celebrating Christmas if I’m away from home? My fourth consecutive year, imagine that? I am just contenting myself sa kwento ng kapatid ko how our home is decorated, na dati ako ang punong abala… I should be cooking up surprise for my mama and papa’s birthday and wedding anniversary, plus planning our menu for Noche Buena and New Year’s Eve dinner… Ang pasimuno sa potlock at mini program sa mga kiddos sa mga kapit bahayan namin. Ang personal wrapping style at theme ko sana for this season… Lahat yun tengga ngayon.

Ewan ko lang kung mapapagbigyan ako na makapag leave on the 25th, otherwise, Christmas is just another regular day.

Di naman ako nagrereklamo, ayoko ko din isipin na malungkot ako… Pero aaminin ko… Nakukulangan ako… Mas aggravated lang siguro kasi magpa-pasko. On the contrary, excited na ako for next year… Mag bi-birthday na ako. Kahit walang plano, alam ko magiging masaya ako. The thought of “new year” alone is positive… Something to look forward to…

May sense ba ako? Actually tina-try ko lang mag blog gamit ang phone ko.

Allow me to greet you all a Merry Christmas! πŸ™‚